Yes, I am a Christian and yes, I am mad AF.

Dear God, I am tired. People are tripping. Why are we still dealing with racism? 

Nearly every morning I read and post a scripture from the Bible. I try to listen to a sermon in the morning or something aligned with God to get my day started. The pandemic has not allowed for church services as we once knew, but before that, I attended church on occasion. I was not an every Sunday attender and for me, that was ok. I mean, God exists outside the church. I do have a church home. I am saved. I pray often. I need to read my Bible more. I curse sometimes. I drink. I feel.  I am human. 

Unless you are living under a rock, the events that have been going on in the U.S. incited by racism and injustice have dominated the news. There have been protests and riots. People are in pain. As a Black woman, with Black children, borne to Black fathers, marrying a Black man, with Black relatives I care deeply for…I am pissed. That is saying it in the nicest way possible. 

Maybe I could be more patient, more forgiving, show more grace if what happened to George Floyd was an anomaly. If a black man being killed by a police officer, while in police custody never happened in this country. Maybe I would be less anxious and less upset if I knew that justice would prevail and that police were subject to the same punishment as others committing similar crimes. Maybe, I would be less calloused if the list of names was not as long.

 George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Michael Lorenzo Dean, Eric Reason, Christopher McCorvey, Christopher Whitfield, Atatiana Jefferson, Dominique Clayton, Pamela Turner, Botham Jean, Antwon Rose II, Stephon Clark, Ronell Foster, Aaron Bailey, Jordan Edwards, Alteria Woods, Paul O’Neal, Terence Crutcher, Philando Castile, Alton Sterling, Sylville Smith, Terrille Thomas, Willie Tillman, Demarcus Semer, Eric Gardner, Michael Brown, Dante Parker, Tamir Rice, Sandra Bland….that isn’t even half of the deaths. 

The police are killing us.

Then we have white people killing us, trying to kill us, or set us up to be killed. With the rise of white women calling the police on Black people for simply existing. Jesus, do you see this?  

If only I did not have to mourn, cope, and regroup as part of a vicious cycle. If only I could actually heal. Truthfully, us black people have not been allowed to heal before the scab of racism, and death is ripped off. We are mentally tormented with images of people that look like us or our loved ones being killed. Their lives are being shown as disposable and not important. The courts do not serve us. God, I’m trying to find the right prayer for this time. Am I not praying right? 

This country has failed Black people. As we try and push past every systemic obstacle thrown our way, our heads are being held under proverbial water. Society wants us to drown more than they want to allow us to live. 

Maybe, I would be less hurt if white people and other non-black people showed as much concern about Black human life as they did for Amy Cooper’s dog, Henry. Maybe if people put as much energy into fighting for racial justice, equity, and equality as they do into their feelings about corporations being burned down, I would feel better. 

Dear God, why are people like this? 

I find it funny how some are posting their aesthetic content on their social media page and are silent during the injustice, but loud AF when the protests and riots are going on. These same people are vocal when a flag is being burned or ripped off the pole, but are as silent as a church mouse when police officers are killing us. 

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth, as it is in heaven. Dear God, they are not doing heavenly things down here. 

We are tired. We are tired of the lack of empathy, lack of justice, lack of concern. We are tired of being strong, while continually being beaten down. We are tired of the lack of leadership available to protect us. We are tired of serving in a country that does not see us as equals. We are tired of people telling us to get over racism. We are tired of people being racist. We are tired of warning our children about things you do not have to tell yours. We are tired of people being quiet! We are tired of being policed by everyday white people with assumed authority over where we are and what we are doing. We are tired of being tired. Riots are the voice of outrage and disgust. Peaceful protests only go so far with some people. 

Dear God, I ask that you forgive the anger I feel in my heart. Forgive me for cursing ignorant people out. Show me a glimmer of hope. Amen.

I Am Jackie

I Am Black.

I Am Tired. 

Black Lives Matter

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